I need to be better. To do better. To not just do what I can and leave it all up to coincidence.
I need to BE better.
October 29, 2011
August 4, 2011
~ Hello! ~
That's why I was hesitant.
It's why I'm still hesitant.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a miserable time when that day comes.
I can probably still cancel I guess, but not sure if I should.
I said it before when I left for this country and I'll say it again, if it wasn't for my family, I would've seriously lost it all years ago. If there was a god, I would thank Him/Her a thousand times for a family that above all else is behind me 100% of the way.
Thank you.
Focusing on the good things. It is what got me through those 4 years, it is what will get me through the rest of my life.
It's why I'm still hesitant.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a miserable time when that day comes.
I can probably still cancel I guess, but not sure if I should.
I said it before when I left for this country and I'll say it again, if it wasn't for my family, I would've seriously lost it all years ago. If there was a god, I would thank Him/Her a thousand times for a family that above all else is behind me 100% of the way.
Thank you.
Focusing on the good things. It is what got me through those 4 years, it is what will get me through the rest of my life.
July 11, 2011
May 29, 2011
~ I want ~
I really want. I don't remember when I saw something and I wanted it so much. It's something I never had, but I want it sooooo bad and I dunno how to get it. ~.~
May 24, 2011
~ Alone ~
There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then, it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.
-Meredith Grey
-Grey's Anatomy
-Season 7 Episode 22: Unaccompanied Minor
This speaks to me on a few levels. Not that I truly believe it, but the fact that the theme of this is being alone. And being okay with it.
I have gone through life hating to be alone. Being alone is a sign that you are not a friendly person. That you are not a socializer. That you are abandoned, single and solo.
Society teaches us that we need friends, we need people. That we cannot survive without others. So much so that when we are left alone that we sometimes don't know how to survive. That we think there's something wrong with us.
This quote points out that it's okay to be alone. Because it's simpler, less messy and you won't get hurt. And I kinda believe that sometimes. But the other hand is also true, that by being alone that you will never really love. Never find something that means so much to you.
It's like wanting both sides of a coin, wanting to have your cake and eat it too. It's impossible to want to be alone and want to be with someone.
And that's how I feel every single day.
Less so these days, but still, it comes up every now and then.
And I do really miss Grey's Anatomy's ending quotes. =)
April 24, 2011
~ Terrified ~
I'm so terrified.
I need this to go well, but I'm not sure how to make sure it goes well.
I'm hoping that it'll go well.
~.~
I need this to go well, but I'm not sure how to make sure it goes well.
I'm hoping that it'll go well.
~.~
April 23, 2011
~ Annoyances ~
Many things annoy me these days. It seems stupid to be annoyed by so many things, but they just do.
April 6, 2011
~ Destiny ~
(Nerd joke ~.~)
Fact is I dunno what I'm doing. What am I doing? I'm trying to obtain a job in a field which I don't particularly want to be in. I'm trying to start off in a field I want to be in but I keep getting pushed back because I look around and I see so many other people out there are so much better than me.
So it comes back to I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I want to do and I don't really wanna do anything.
Which is a problem when you're buying stuff left, right and center but have no means of actually paying for them yourself.
What do I do? What-do-I-do?
April 2, 2011
~ Inspiration ~
I suffer from bouts of inspiration.
However, they disappear just as suddenly as they appear.
One minute I'm telling myself I can do this, I can make this big, huge, enormous.
Next minute I'm telling myself that it's impossible, I can't do this, it'll be worthless.
Point to note is that I think the point is that I should just do something.
I'm getting Sucker Punch's OST. I think it'll be useful.
Oh, and congrats Zack Snyder, you made a movie I didn't hate.
Sucker Punch speaks to me on many levels. I may or may not get into more detail later, but the main point of it is that it involves a lot of fantasizing, and I like fantasizing. =)
However, they disappear just as suddenly as they appear.
One minute I'm telling myself I can do this, I can make this big, huge, enormous.
Next minute I'm telling myself that it's impossible, I can't do this, it'll be worthless.
Point to note is that I think the point is that I should just do something.
I'm getting Sucker Punch's OST. I think it'll be useful.
Oh, and congrats Zack Snyder, you made a movie I didn't hate.
Sucker Punch speaks to me on many levels. I may or may not get into more detail later, but the main point of it is that it involves a lot of fantasizing, and I like fantasizing. =)
March 30, 2011
~ Apart ~
Things just don't seem so good from my point of view. I wanna live a lot better than how I'm living now. Just seems like I'm just getting in my own way.
There's a lot of things I want to do. A lot of things I wanna see. But I just can never get down to doing any of them. It's a lack of motivation or a lack of drive or a lack of something which I don't know what.
How do I make myself do something then if I don't want to do anything?
On to an alternate subject.
If anyone who knows me, knows that I used to have this insatiable crush on this one girl in school I had since a very very very very very long time ago. Why I brought that up? Recently, I've just been having these... not dreams, just imaginations as to how it would be to be with her.
Knowing her, my imagination is probably going into overdrive. But then, it was so pleasant that I didn't really wanna stop imagining them. This however calls to order as to why am I using her in my fantasies? Am I just asking for another heartbreak when I see her with her boyfriend again? Which, technically, I have no idea if she does or does not have a boyfriend at this point of time (I'm inclined to think no, because that the impression I got the last time I saw her).
Point though, is that I doubt we're good for each other or will even ever work as a couple. But my mind has just been thinking about it a lot lately. Heck, I'm not even sure how she looks like recently, I think my imaginations are using a stock photo of her from my school days.
Just saying now that I have no real intention to go chasing after a pipe dream. Cause that's all it really is. There's no way she's going to live up to what I'm imagining now, I doubt anyone ever will, but that's something to just see isn't it?
Expectations is a very annoying thing sometimes. You build up your expectation to a level where it's nigh impossible for anyone to ever achieve, but you build the expectation anyway, like a castle in the sky, thinking optimistically that someone will come by and be your perfect someone.
Even any expectation is a burden these days. I just find that any expectation will just ultimately disappoint, no matter how small my expectation is.
There's a lot of things I want to do. A lot of things I wanna see. But I just can never get down to doing any of them. It's a lack of motivation or a lack of drive or a lack of something which I don't know what.
How do I make myself do something then if I don't want to do anything?
On to an alternate subject.
If anyone who knows me, knows that I used to have this insatiable crush on this one girl in school I had since a very very very very very long time ago. Why I brought that up? Recently, I've just been having these... not dreams, just imaginations as to how it would be to be with her.
Knowing her, my imagination is probably going into overdrive. But then, it was so pleasant that I didn't really wanna stop imagining them. This however calls to order as to why am I using her in my fantasies? Am I just asking for another heartbreak when I see her with her boyfriend again? Which, technically, I have no idea if she does or does not have a boyfriend at this point of time (I'm inclined to think no, because that the impression I got the last time I saw her).
Point though, is that I doubt we're good for each other or will even ever work as a couple. But my mind has just been thinking about it a lot lately. Heck, I'm not even sure how she looks like recently, I think my imaginations are using a stock photo of her from my school days.
Just saying now that I have no real intention to go chasing after a pipe dream. Cause that's all it really is. There's no way she's going to live up to what I'm imagining now, I doubt anyone ever will, but that's something to just see isn't it?
Expectations is a very annoying thing sometimes. You build up your expectation to a level where it's nigh impossible for anyone to ever achieve, but you build the expectation anyway, like a castle in the sky, thinking optimistically that someone will come by and be your perfect someone.
Even any expectation is a burden these days. I just find that any expectation will just ultimately disappoint, no matter how small my expectation is.
March 27, 2011
~ Sing ~
I love this song. Glee version and MCR version both. (YT video is sped down, quite noticeably. Will try to find a better link tomorrow or something)
Life feels very empty now though. Will espouse on it more another day, but at the moment, I'm feeling really empty, lifeless and pointless.
March 6, 2011
~ Movie List ~
My list of movies watched in a cinema since 23/06/2004. For the record, I did not miss one stub. I came close to losing one when the bloody machine refused to spit out the ticket (That was for Inception), but the guy at the counter was nice enough to print one out for me. =)
Split into years. =)
1. Around the World in 80 Days - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-06-2004
2. Spiderman 2 - GSC Mahkota Parade - 03-07-2004
3. Catwoman - GSC Mahkota Parade - 08-08-2004
4. Collateral - GSC Mahkota Parade - 21-08-2004
5. Anacondas: Hunt for the Black Orchid - GSC Mahkota Parade - 04-09-2004
6. Resident Evil: Apocalyspe - GSC Mahkota Parade - 02-10-2004
7. Ladder 49 - GSC Mahkota Parade - 14-10-2004
8. The Terminal - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-10-2004
9. The Incredibles - GSC Mahkota Parade - 13-11-2004
10. National Treasure - GSC Mahkota Parade - 21-01-2005
11. Constantine - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-02-2005
12. Hitch - GSC Mahkota Parade - 18-03-2005
13. Star Wars: Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith - 21-05-2005
14. T-Rex - Berjaya Times Square's Digi IMAX Theather - 03-06-2005
15. Madagascar - GSC Mahkota Parade - 04-06-2005
16. Batman Begins - GSC Mahkota Parade - 18-06-2005
17. War of the Worlds - GSC Mahkota Parade - 02-07-2005
18. Unleashed - GSC Mahkota Parade - 10-07-2005
19. Fantastic Four - GSC Mahkota Parade - 16-07-2005
20. Stealth - GSC Mahkota Parade - 03-08-2005
21. Herbie Fully Loaded - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-08-2005 (Charity Screening)
22. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - GSC Mahkota Parade - 20-09-2005
23. Flight Plan - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-09-2005
24. Chicken Little - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-11-2005
25. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-11-2005
26. Zathura - GSC Mahkota Parade - 30-11-2005
27. Aeon Flux - GSC Mahkota Parade - 06-12-2005
28. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - GSC Mahkota Parade - 09-12-2005
29. King Kong - Berjaya Times Square's Digi IMAX Theater - 20-12-2005
30. King Kong - GSC Mahkota Parade - 29-12-2005
31. The Promise - GSC Mahkota Parade - 06-01-2005
32. Memoirs of a Geisha - GSC Mahkota Parade - 24-01-2006
33. Fearless - GSC Mahkota Parade - 07-02-2006
34. Fun With Dick & Jane - Mega Pavilion Cinemas Perangin Mall - 16-02-2006
35. Final Destination 3 - GSC Mahkota Parade - 03-03-2006
36. V For Vendetta - GSC Mahkota Parade - 25-03-2006
37. Lucky Number Slevin - GSC Mahkota Parade - 31-03-2006
38. When A Stranger Calls - GSC Mahkota Parade - 10-04-2006
39. The Wild - GSC Mahkota Parade - 19-04-2006
40. Mission Impossible 3 - GSC Mahkota Parade - 08-05-2006
41. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - GSC Mahkota Parade - 05-04-2006
42. Ultraviolet - GSC Mahkota Parade - 28-04-2006
43. Poseidon - GSC Mid Valley - 20-05-2006
44. The Da Vinci Code - GSC Mahkota Parade - 24-05-2006
45. X-Men 3: The Last Stand - GSC Mahkota Parade - 25-05-2006
46. Over the Hedge - GSC Mahkota Parade - 26-05-2006
47. Cars - GSC Mahkota Parade - 18-06-2006
48. The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift - GSC Mahkota Parade - 07-07-2006
49. Superman Returns - GSC Mahkota Parade - 06-07-2006
50. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - GSC Mahkota Parade - 15-07-2006
51. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - GSC Mahkota Parade - 18-07-2006
52. Night at the Museum - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-12-2006
53. Night at the Museum - GSC Mahkota Parade - 06-01-2007
54. Protege - GSC Mahkota Parade - 17-02-2007
55. Mr. Bean's Holiday - GSC Mahkota Parade - 24-03-2007
56. Spiderman 3 - GSC Mahkota Parade - 07-05-2007
57. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - GSC Mahkota Parade - 24-05-2007
58. Ocean's Thirteen - GSC Mahkota Parade - 12-06-2007
59. Transformers - MBO Melaka Mall - 28-06-2007
60. Die Hard 4.0 - MBO Melaka Mall - 06-07-2007
61. Transformers - MBO Melaka Mall - 08-07-2007
62. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - MBO Melaka Mall - 13-07-2007
63. The Simpsons: The Movie - MBO Melaka Mall - 26-07-2007
64. Invisible Target - MBO Melaka Mall - 31-07-2007
65. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - MBO Melaka Mall - 06-08-2007
66. Disturbia - MBO Melaka Mall - 10-08-2007
67. Hairspray - GSC Mahkota Parade - 23-09-2007
68. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - MBO Melaka Mall - 22-12-2007
69. I Am Legend - GSC Gurney Plaza - 28-12-2007
70. Alvin & the Chipmunks - MBO Melaka Mall - 09-01-2008
71. Street Kings - MBO Melaka Mall - 20-04-2008
72. What Happens in Vegas - MBO Melaka Mall - 17-05-2008
73. Iron Man - MBO Melaka Mall - 21-05-2008
74. Speed Racer - MBO Melaka Mall - 22-05-2008
75. The Happening - MBO Melaka Mall - 14-06-2008
76. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 30-06-2008
77. The Waterhorse: Legend of the Deep - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 30-06-2008
78. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 01-07-2008
79. The Forbidden Kingdom - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 02-07-2008
80. Horton Hears a Who - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 02-07-2008
81. Hancock - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 05-07-2008
82. The Incredible Hulk - MBO Melaka Mall - 09-07-2008
83. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army - MBO Melaka Mall - 12-07-2008
84. Wanted - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 15-07-2008
85. The Dark Knight - MBO Melaka Mall - 19-07-2008
86. 21 - MBO Melaka Mall - 08-08-2008
87. Money No Enough 2 - Cineleisure Orchard - 11-08-2008
88. Death Race - TGV Tebrau City - 22-08-2008
89. Wall-E - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 13-09-2008
90. High School Musical 3 - MBO Melaka Mall - 26-10-2008
91. Bolt - MBO Melaka Mall - 16-12-2008
92. Yes Man - GSC 1Borneo - 18-12-2008
93. Transporter 3 - GSC 1Borneo - 20-12-2008
94. The Spirit - MBO Melaka Mall - 26-12-2008
95. IP Man - MBO Melaka Mall - 29-12-2008
96. Bedtime Stories - Cathay Cineplex City Square - 10-01-2009
97. Watchmen - TGV Tebrau City - 07-03-2009
98. Race to Witch Mountain - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 21-03-2009
99. Slumdog Millionaire - Golden Village Vivocity - 28-02-2009
100. Fast & Furious - Cathay Cineplex City Square - 04-04-2009
101. X-Men Origins: Wolverine - MBO Melaka Mall - 01-05-2009
102. Mongol - MBO Melaka Mall - 13-05-2009
103. Threads of Destiny (Akai Ito) - MBO Melaka Mall - 13-05-2009
104. Angels & Demons - MBO Melaka Mall - 18-05-2009
105. Star Trek - MBO Melaka Mall - 20-05-2009
106. Terminator: Salvation - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 28-05-2009
107. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - MBO Melaka Mall - 29-05-2009
108. Monsters Vs. Aliens - MBO Melaka Mall - 01-06-2009
109. Transfomers: Revenge of the Fallen - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 23-06-2009
110. Blood the Last Vampire - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 29-06-2009
111. Hannah MOntana: The Movie - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 29-06-2009
112. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs - Cathay Cineplex City Square - 05-07-2009
113. Dance Subaru - GSC Mahkota Parade - 14-07-2009
114. Public Enemies - MBO Melaka Mall - 15-07-2009
115. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - MBO Melaka Mall - 18-07-2009
116. The Proposal - MBO Melaka Mall - 01-08-2009
117. G.I.Joe: Rise of the Cobra - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 06-08-2009
118. The Taking of Pelham 123 - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 07-08-2009
119. Up - Shaw Theaters (Orchard Road) - 15-08-2009
120. District 9 - MBO Melaka Mall - 22-08-2009
121. Gamer - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 26-09-2009
122. Inglourious Basterds - MBO Melaka Mall - 07-11-2009
123. 2012 - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 05-12-2009
124. Avatar (3D) - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 17-12-2009
125. Sherlock Holmes - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 27-12-2009
126. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 06-01-2010
127. Legion - MBO Melaka Mall - 23-01-2010
128. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Theif - MBO Melaka Mall - 18-02-2010
129. Alice in Wonderland (3D) - Eng Wah Cinemas (Suntec City) - 13-03-2010
130. The Lovely Bones - MBO Melaka Mall - 20-03-2010
131. How to Train Your Dragon - MBO Melaka Mall - 02-04-2010
132. Kaiji - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 04-04-2010
133. Iron Man 2 - Golden Village Singapore Plaza - 02-05-2010
134. Ip Man 2 - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 12-05-2010
135. Ice Kacang Puppy Love - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 12-05-2010
136. Shrek Forever After - MBO Melaka Mall - 20-05-2010
137. Toy Story 3 - TGV Tebrau City - 19-06-2010
138. The A-Team - MBO Melaka Mall - 23-06-2010
139. The Legend is Born - Ip Man - MBO Melaka Mall - 14-07-2010
140. Inception - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 15-07-2010
141. Inception - MBO Melaka Mall - 17-07-2010
142. The Sorcerer's Apprentice - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 08-08-2010
143. The Last Airbender - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 10-08-2010
144. Repo Men - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 15-08-2010
145. The Expendables - LFS Mahkota Parade - 16-08-2010
146. Liar Game: The Final Stage - Golden Village Vivocity - 27-08-2010
147. Avatar: Special Edition (3D) - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 02-09-2010
148. Phua Chu Kang: The Movie - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 03-09-2010
149. Resident Evil: Afterlife (3D) - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 14-09-2010
150. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 25-09-2010
151. Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen - MBO Melaka Mall - 28-09-2010
152. Buried - MBO Melaka Mall - 15-10-2010
153. The Other Guys - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 16-10-2010
154. RED - MBO Melaka Mall - 21-10-2010
155. 71 Into the Fire - Golden Village Singapore Plaza - 25-10-2010
156. The Incite Mill - Cathay Causeway Point - 01-11-2010
157. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) - Golden Village Bishan - 05-12-2010
158. The Green Hornet - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 11-02-2011
159. The King's Speech - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 24-02-2011
160. Underdog Soldiers: Tommorow When the War Began - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 04-03-2011
161. 127 Hours - GSC Dataran Pahlawan - 04-03-2011
162. I Am Number Four - LFS Mahkota Parade - 04-03-2011
Relatively interesting stats:
From mid-2004 to end 2004: 9 movies watched
2005: 22 movies watched
2006: 21 movies watched
2007: 17 movies watched
2008: 26 movies watched
2009: 30 movies watched
2010: 32 movies watched
Personal best movie of:
2005: Batman Begins
2006: V For Vendetta
2007: Transformers
2008: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
2009: Avatar
2010: How to Train Your Dragon
Personal "why-did-I-watch-that" movie of:
2005: T-Rex (Actually... this was to test the IMAX out... XD)
2006: Memoirs of a Geisha
2007: Mr. Bean's Holiday
2008: The Spirit
2009: Watchmen
2010: The Last Airbender
Worth mentioning of: (Does not mean that movie is excellent... it just means I liked it... XD)
2005:
National Treasure
Hitch
War of the Worlds
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Aeon Flux
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
2006:
Fun With Dick & Jane
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Ultraviolet
The Da Vinci Code
The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Night at the Museum
2007:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Ocean's Thirteen
Die Hard 4.0
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons: The Movie
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
I Am Legend
2008:
Iron Man
Speed Racer
The Waterhorse: Legend of the Deep
Horton Hears a Who
The Incredible Hulk
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Wanted
The Dark Knight
21
Money No Enough 2
Death Race
Wall-E
Yes Man
Ip Man
2009:
Slumdog Millionaire
Mongol
Threads of Destiny (Known as Akai Ito in Japanese)
Dance Subaru
Up
District 9
Inglourious Basterds
2010:
Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
Alice in Wonderland
The Lovely Bones
Iron Man 2
Ip Man 2
Ice Kacang Puppy Love
Toy Story 3
The A-Team
Inception
The Expendables
Liar Game: The Final Stage
Resident Evil: Afterlife
The Other Guys
71 Into the Fire
I realize a big chuck of movies I watch I like. That's just how I am though. I can almost always find something to like about a movie. Only exceptions to this rule are Watchmen, The Spirit and The Last Airbender.
March 4, 2011
~ Conceal ~
Your pain.
Your hurt.
Your sadness.
Your depression.
Your joy.
Your elation.
Your happiness.
Your smile.
Your laugh.
Your fears.
All.
Your hurt.
Your sadness.
Your depression.
Your joy.
Your elation.
Your happiness.
Your smile.
Your laugh.
Your fears.
All.
March 3, 2011
~ Think ~
Like that.
Like this.
Like a wonder.
Like you're winning.
Like you've had control.
Like you are in the driving seat.
That it's okay.
That it's fine.
That it'll turn out right.
Again.
Like this.
Like a wonder.
Like you're winning.
Like you've had control.
Like you are in the driving seat.
That it's okay.
That it's fine.
That it'll turn out right.
Again.
February 27, 2011
~ Jump ~
To the defense of a soul.
To the breaking of the heart.
To the elimination of one's sadness.
To the happiness of one's windfall.
To the migration of a season.
To the addiction of a common sport.
To the destruction of a jester.
To the loneness of a host.
To the guilt of a guest.
To the ignorance of the needy.
To the adulation of the plenty.
Off the tower.
Off the pinnacle.
Off the cliff.
Off the top.
Of doubt.
Now.
To the breaking of the heart.
To the elimination of one's sadness.
To the happiness of one's windfall.
To the migration of a season.
To the addiction of a common sport.
To the destruction of a jester.
To the loneness of a host.
To the guilt of a guest.
To the ignorance of the needy.
To the adulation of the plenty.
Off the tower.
Off the pinnacle.
Off the cliff.
Off the top.
Of doubt.
Now.
February 16, 2011
~ Turning ~
I think I've turned everyone against me.
To quote Coalface from Men At Arms written by the brilliant Terry Pratchett:
"I didn't do nuffin"
=)
Don't believe the smileys, I'm crying inside. v^_^
To quote Coalface from Men At Arms written by the brilliant Terry Pratchett:
"I didn't do nuffin"
=)
Don't believe the smileys, I'm crying inside. v^_^
February 5, 2011
February 3, 2011
January 30, 2011
~ Move ~
Looks so weird doesn't it?
Not really what I want to talk about actually, just the title I put reminded me of that.
Just wanted to say that I'm starting to see people getting into that stage of life where they find they're special one and moving in together and that sort of thing, and it's kinda annoying me.
In that sense, I think I'm a bit like Ted in that I want to be in that committed relationship stage and have all that stuff. I actually find Ted to be the most annoying character in that show though. So maybe I'm actually being annoying about this issue as well.
Still, it'll be nice to have someone clinging on to your arm and dragging you along everywhere. Sometimes... anyway. =)
January 21, 2011
~ I wish I had more of a life ~
Not to say my life now sucks technically. It's quite good actually, I can buy (almost) what I want, I can do what I want, I have a reasonable job (which I may not have in about two weeks time) and life is in general, good.
But I dunno what is missing. Actually, I think I know what is missing, but I apparently don't have the makings of a man to get that few things that are missing.
What is it about me that can make a talkative person not want to talk? Do I just have that effect on people? This is one reason why I keep pulling away from people I think. I don't want to bring down the high spirits of an occasion or what not. But I just dunno how I'm supposed to live life avoiding people.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to face people anymore. Life was simpler when I was young-er and had no semblance of thought. Which is in fact not true because I've always thought a lot. So apparently I've always been like this and just never really noticed till now.
Gawd I need help.
I most probably have typed this somewhere here before, but I do always wonder this on and off. What if I had managed to make myself believe in that group of people who believed in the entity known as God? Would I have managed to stay in touch with more people? Would that have saved/helped my problems with talking to people? Would I have found a soul-mate somewhere there? (I'm not referring to a soulmate, more like soul-mate... there's a difference there that I cannot/just-to-lazy to explain).
Could this Saviour, have actually been my saviour? Was that the point at which people say "God wants to help you, but first you have to help yourself"? Was that my one shot at getting God's help and I just spat at it and turned away?
It's times like this where I sometimes doubt my path of non-religious-ness. It's actually a religion in itself if you think about it. I zealously avoid all talk of religion and scoff when people praise the sky.
I hate feeling like this. And I've felt like this for like 5-6 years already. It's annoying, no doubt, but more than that, it's starting to hamper me. I hate it and I don't know if I will ever get out of it.
I complain a lot about it and never do anything I know. But I either dunno where to start or I just like feeling miserable. You decide.
Cause I clearly cannot.
But I dunno what is missing. Actually, I think I know what is missing, but I apparently don't have the makings of a man to get that few things that are missing.
What is it about me that can make a talkative person not want to talk? Do I just have that effect on people? This is one reason why I keep pulling away from people I think. I don't want to bring down the high spirits of an occasion or what not. But I just dunno how I'm supposed to live life avoiding people.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to face people anymore. Life was simpler when I was young-er and had no semblance of thought. Which is in fact not true because I've always thought a lot. So apparently I've always been like this and just never really noticed till now.
Gawd I need help.
I most probably have typed this somewhere here before, but I do always wonder this on and off. What if I had managed to make myself believe in that group of people who believed in the entity known as God? Would I have managed to stay in touch with more people? Would that have saved/helped my problems with talking to people? Would I have found a soul-mate somewhere there? (I'm not referring to a soulmate, more like soul-mate... there's a difference there that I cannot/just-to-lazy to explain).
Could this Saviour, have actually been my saviour? Was that the point at which people say "God wants to help you, but first you have to help yourself"? Was that my one shot at getting God's help and I just spat at it and turned away?
It's times like this where I sometimes doubt my path of non-religious-ness. It's actually a religion in itself if you think about it. I zealously avoid all talk of religion and scoff when people praise the sky.
I hate feeling like this. And I've felt like this for like 5-6 years already. It's annoying, no doubt, but more than that, it's starting to hamper me. I hate it and I don't know if I will ever get out of it.
I complain a lot about it and never do anything I know. But I either dunno where to start or I just like feeling miserable. You decide.
Cause I clearly cannot.
January 20, 2011
~ Socially awkward since... ~
I've been putting a lot of thought into a particular Facebook message I wanted to put up since like 2 weeks ago. But I just can't seem to get the wording right.
My original was:
Socially awkward around girls since 1986!
But that wasn't correct cause I have been able to talk to some girls reasonably well.
Addendum 1:
Socially awkward around pretty girls since 1986!
But then that wasn't right cause then girls I could get along with would accuse me of calling them not pretty (And some of them are pretty... god why am I using the word pretty?)
Addendum 2:
Socially awkward around ALL girls since 1986!
Should be fine, but then I realized that I'm awkward around guys as well.
Addendum 3:
Socially awkward since 1986!
But then that just isn't that funny.
... and then I lost my mind and just figured I'll stop thinking about it. =)
Cheers!
I've really gotta get around this issue man. I'll get nowhere with this. Zzz...
My original was:
Socially awkward around girls since 1986!
But that wasn't correct cause I have been able to talk to some girls reasonably well.
Addendum 1:
Socially awkward around pretty girls since 1986!
But then that wasn't right cause then girls I could get along with would accuse me of calling them not pretty (And some of them are pretty... god why am I using the word pretty?)
Addendum 2:
Socially awkward around ALL girls since 1986!
Should be fine, but then I realized that I'm awkward around guys as well.
Addendum 3:
Socially awkward since 1986!
But then that just isn't that funny.
... and then I lost my mind and just figured I'll stop thinking about it. =)
Cheers!
I've really gotta get around this issue man. I'll get nowhere with this. Zzz...
January 19, 2011
~ Stargate: Dream ~
... bleh... stupid title.
Still, I would love it if it meant there would still be a Stargate show on TV next year.
This is probably a bit of old news, but if you didn't know, the multi award winning show Stargate Universe has been cancelled.
So okay, it didn't win any awards. I don't think it was even that popular to begin with, but heck, I do think it's a waste. Mostly because I liked it, it wasn't the same as SG-1 or Atlantis, but it had its own appeal. Mainly for the damn beautiful ship they were on. Additionally I do like how they tied in the references to its previous two shows. It wasn't a retcon most of the time and if you looked at it logically, it connected somehow, so that was cool.
I just don't get why everyone wanted the same thing as SG-1 and Atlantis. They were great shows no doubt, but if you wanted the same thing, just go and rewatch the SG-1 and Atlantis shows again why don't you?
And while I do get the comparisons to BSG, it still feels like a show on its own. Especially when it seemed to be branching out of the day-to-day survival style and moving more towards a purpose.
In any case, I'm actually not here to lament on the short life of SGU. I started off talking about Stargate because I wanted to say that I had this eerie Stargate-esq dream a few days ago. =)
It involved me being on a spaceship and having to hurtle myself through space towards a star going nova.
Yes, my dreams are that vivid and martyr-like.
I'm not sure why I was in the spaceship, considering that I don't like roller coasters. I'm not sure why I was the ONLY one left in that spaceship. And I have no idea why I had to pilot that ship towards that star.
And the Stargate references, for one, I did not actually see a Stargate in my dream. I only remember like the SG-1 characters for some reason talking to me through the communicator or something and telling me what to do. *Camera pans towards the other spaceship that is safely out of the way*
And then them telling me if I had anything to say to my friends and family back home etc. etc..
...
YEAH, MY MIND IS MESSED UP!!!
I mean seriously man. My dreams are SUPER WEIRD! And I wasn't even reading about Stargate the past few days. I was actually looking at the history of DC comics superheroes on account of them releasing DC Universe Online.
I still remember a previous dream I had, I think I probably blogged about it also, see this link: here and here.
Damn weird sia my dreams. Zzzz... hahaha...
Work is... okay actually. I kinda like it. Just that I feel like I just can't get along with the people. This is where my social awkwardness comes in. I just feel like an idiot sometimes. How hard issit to say "hello" or "good bye"?
Zzzz...
Haihz...
It's not all bad though, I'm getting along fine with my direct colleague... so that's good. Haha. I just wish I got along as well with everyone else. ~.~
Still, I would love it if it meant there would still be a Stargate show on TV next year.
This is probably a bit of old news, but if you didn't know, the multi award winning show Stargate Universe has been cancelled.
So okay, it didn't win any awards. I don't think it was even that popular to begin with, but heck, I do think it's a waste. Mostly because I liked it, it wasn't the same as SG-1 or Atlantis, but it had its own appeal. Mainly for the damn beautiful ship they were on. Additionally I do like how they tied in the references to its previous two shows. It wasn't a retcon most of the time and if you looked at it logically, it connected somehow, so that was cool.
I just don't get why everyone wanted the same thing as SG-1 and Atlantis. They were great shows no doubt, but if you wanted the same thing, just go and rewatch the SG-1 and Atlantis shows again why don't you?
And while I do get the comparisons to BSG, it still feels like a show on its own. Especially when it seemed to be branching out of the day-to-day survival style and moving more towards a purpose.
In any case, I'm actually not here to lament on the short life of SGU. I started off talking about Stargate because I wanted to say that I had this eerie Stargate-esq dream a few days ago. =)
It involved me being on a spaceship and having to hurtle myself through space towards a star going nova.
Yes, my dreams are that vivid and martyr-like.
I'm not sure why I was in the spaceship, considering that I don't like roller coasters. I'm not sure why I was the ONLY one left in that spaceship. And I have no idea why I had to pilot that ship towards that star.
And the Stargate references, for one, I did not actually see a Stargate in my dream. I only remember like the SG-1 characters for some reason talking to me through the communicator or something and telling me what to do. *Camera pans towards the other spaceship that is safely out of the way*
And then them telling me if I had anything to say to my friends and family back home etc. etc..
...
YEAH, MY MIND IS MESSED UP!!!
I mean seriously man. My dreams are SUPER WEIRD! And I wasn't even reading about Stargate the past few days. I was actually looking at the history of DC comics superheroes on account of them releasing DC Universe Online.
I still remember a previous dream I had, I think I probably blogged about it also, see this link: here and here.
Damn weird sia my dreams. Zzzz... hahaha...
Work is... okay actually. I kinda like it. Just that I feel like I just can't get along with the people. This is where my social awkwardness comes in. I just feel like an idiot sometimes. How hard issit to say "hello" or "good bye"?
Zzzz...
Haihz...
It's not all bad though, I'm getting along fine with my direct colleague... so that's good. Haha. I just wish I got along as well with everyone else. ~.~
January 12, 2011
~ Interaction ~
It was the briefest of moments, when I could just say whatever I liked and never be awkward with the people around me. Now I feel like I'm awkward with everybody all the freaking time.
I mean I even have to prepare topics to talk about. And desperately try to inject that topic into the conversation so that I can have something to talk about. And sometimes when someone brings up something I know, I actually breathe a sigh of relief because then I have something to actually talk about.
And I think that doesn't get across because I seem so nonchalant all the time, but I'm constantly panicking inside.
I think I put it best when I replied to the comment in my last post. That my mind screams at me to just 'say something, anything' and my mouth just refuses to do it. It's just frustrating. ~.~
I dunno why I can't just say something, it just seems so god damn stupid of me. And everytime I do that, I just go home and beat myself up for it. It's just damn stupid. ~.~
I mean I even have to prepare topics to talk about. And desperately try to inject that topic into the conversation so that I can have something to talk about. And sometimes when someone brings up something I know, I actually breathe a sigh of relief because then I have something to actually talk about.
And I think that doesn't get across because I seem so nonchalant all the time, but I'm constantly panicking inside.
I think I put it best when I replied to the comment in my last post. That my mind screams at me to just 'say something, anything' and my mouth just refuses to do it. It's just frustrating. ~.~
I dunno why I can't just say something, it just seems so god damn stupid of me. And everytime I do that, I just go home and beat myself up for it. It's just damn stupid. ~.~
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