~ Apart ~

Things just don't seem so good from my point of view. I wanna live a lot better than how I'm living now. Just seems like I'm just getting in my own way.

There's a lot of things I want to do. A lot of things I wanna see. But I just can never get down to doing any of them. It's a lack of motivation or a lack of drive or a lack of something which I don't know what.

How do I make myself do something then if I don't want to do anything?

On to an alternate subject.

If anyone who knows me, knows that I used to have this insatiable crush on this one girl in school I had since a very very very very very long time ago. Why I brought that up? Recently, I've just been having these... not dreams, just imaginations as to how it would be to be with her.

Knowing her, my imagination is probably going into overdrive. But then, it was so pleasant that I didn't really wanna stop imagining them. This however calls to order as to why am I using her in my fantasies? Am I just asking for another heartbreak when I see her with her boyfriend again? Which, technically, I have no idea if she does or does not have a boyfriend at this point of time (I'm inclined to think no, because that the impression I got the last time I saw her).

Point though, is that I doubt we're good for each other or will even ever work as a couple. But my mind has just been thinking about it a lot lately. Heck, I'm not even sure how she looks like recently, I think my imaginations are using a stock photo of her from my school days.

Just saying now that I have no real intention to go chasing after a pipe dream. Cause that's all it really is. There's no way she's going to live up to what I'm imagining now, I doubt anyone ever will, but that's something to just see isn't it?

Expectations is a very annoying thing sometimes. You build up your expectation to a level where it's nigh impossible for anyone to ever achieve, but you build the expectation anyway, like a castle in the sky, thinking optimistically that someone will come by and be your perfect someone.

Even any expectation is a burden these days. I just find that any expectation will just ultimately disappoint, no matter how small my expectation is.