~ Wishing you all the best ~

Can I do that when it's a lie,
To realize that and just sigh?
To know that things are incomplete,
And yet unable to patch it in?

To know that you're someone else's,
And even if they're the greatest, the best,
Wishing them hell and heck just because,
They're the ones holding you back.

But would I act had the path,
Be cleared of all obstacles.
If the way was clear,
And all I had to do was call dear?

The feelings are there, the thought exists,
The heart beats, the blood pumps.
The mind works, the words rearranging,
The imagination churns, the perfect world into place.

Then the words become stuck, a gargled grunt.
The gestures a mess, a meaningless action.
A perfect world, a perfect life,
Self-destructs in front of the eyes.

~ Pain ~

It hurts a lot to see you.
Hurts a lot more that I can't do anything about it.
Hurting a LOT more that I know I will never do anything about it.

~ Standards ~

Is it wrong that my standards are different from yours?
Is it wrong that I don't care for what you care for?

Do I need to give this up, just so I feel accepted?
Do I need to give up my beliefs, so I can fit in?

Where is that place, that place of contentment. That place where I can see you and not have to want you because you're already mine?

~ Pressure ~

Someone said to me today that it's not easy to live here without having some sort of relationship.

Oh realllly?

Like I didn't already know that. I mean come on. perpetually single me? Seeing all the lovey dovey couples on the streets day in day out? You don't think that riles me up a bit?

Not looking for an answer or anything here. Just having to rant a bit.

Additionally, someone else mentioned something that I think isn't very appropriate for the professional workplace. It may be true, unfortunately, but I'm really trying very hard for it to not be a problem. So stop bringing it up will you? =.=

Thank you.

Regards,
#foreveralone

~ Think for a moment ~

How you're affecting the people around you?
How you're changing the mood around you?
How you're molding others opinions of you?
How you're lowering the expectations from you?

~ Stalk ~

-ing used to be more fun. These days people care so much about privacy, kinda hard to 'stalk' em'.

... for the record, I am stalking purely for fun. I do not stalk till I go hide in a corner where they normally go and get their coffee, mocha latte cappuccino, more foam, at between 8:30am and 9:00am in the morning so I can say hi to them. I don't do that.


;P


Back to topic.


It's not also so much about privacy also, it's just that I think the phase where everyone posts everything they do on Facebook/Twitter/Blog/Whatever, is kinda over. People care more now and don't post up as often as I would like.


In other words, people have a life.


Unlike me.


So it annoys me because I cannot live 'vicariously' through other people. It is truly pretty annoying. =)

~ Hooked ~

Don't do this. You know you'll regret it later.
Just don't start.
Don't.
Please.

~ Best ~

Must be nice to have a "best" something. I wouldn't know.

On another note though, you are, literally, driving me crazy. I may laugh, smile and joke around, but you do not know how much I am agonizing inside. Tearing myself apart with these thoughts that can never come true.

Catch-22, I believe it's called. I'm just not the kind of person to do that. And while I do have a 'best case scenario' conjured up in my head, good chance that it'll never everrrrrr happen.

But hey, I've been through this. I can handle it. No problem. Just hurts like hell, that's all. No biggie.

~ Knowing ~

I don't know.

Go back a few months... years even... and you'll find out that I don't know what I'm doing then, and I don't know what I'm doing now.

I never knew actually. Maybe I had an inclination of 'guessing' what I wanted to do, but that, to some people, is not enough.

I'm a very wishy-washy kind of person. You know it when you talk to me. It's probably one of the reasons why people don't really like me.

I wish I knew.

I "spoke" of this on Twitter the other day. I said that I had to find a new normal. Given what has happened in the past two months or so. A friend commented and said that he still hasn't found his normal, and that life's messy and unpredictable like that.

I do agree.

But the normal I'm referring to is a routine I guess. Something to look forward to everyday or every week or every year. Without it, it does feel like my lacking a focus. And given the recent happenings, it may well expound on the problems I feel on a daily basis.

Maybe not finding the new normal is the key though. Just going with the flow. Facing up to things one at a time instead of trying to find the magic formula to fix my life on the direct course its heading towards now? Being adaptable is probably the best way to put it. So I should learn that now. Shouldn't I?

~ Compromised ~

It appears that every location where I normally get to emo freely without caring for the thoughts of others have been duly compromised.

That's what happens when you let people get close I guess. =3

It's not a bad thing. Granted, I have been hanging out with a lot of people I never thought I would ever be hanging out with. It's surprising really. 10 years ago I would never have thought that the landscape of my social networks would be comprised of the people today and devoid of the people then.

I do not regret it. I do rue some of the decisions I've made and wonder sometimes what would've happened if this or that had been done. But this is my life now. And figuring out how to live it differently would just be a waste of time.

I have met LOTS of people, and given that I'm not that freely sociable, that's saying something. Everyone I have met are awesome, even if I don't get along with some of them. Each and everyone have molded me into who I am today, for better or for worse. And while I get that most of them will never see this, I would like to thank you all, even if you don't know that I am thankful for you.

Not sure how this became a thank you note. I was here to emo ya know... hahahaha... =3

~ Hide ~

There was an idea. To bring the world's most extraordinary people together... and something something something. :)

Well, I just wanted to type that. No particular reason. Just popped into my head when I opened this page.

But I do feel inadequacy, lost and depressed sometimes. I dunno if I'm acting sometimes or if I'm just that way.
When I'm quiet, it doesn't mean I have nothing to say. When I'm noisy, it doesn't mean I have something to say.
There is no real word to ever describe this I guess. And while I get that there are wayyyyy more serious problems in the world out there right now, I guess this one is the one I'm facing because, well, I'm facing it.

There's really no point in saying more I guess. I've felt this way ever since like... oh... I dunno... two versions of my blog ago? So that's like... 10-15 years? I thought I decided last year or so that I'll focus on being happy, doing things that make me happy and this feeling would go away.

And it did. In a way. But it doesn't disappear. So every now and then it always creeps back. Ever pulling me to the depths of despair.

So I hide. I hide it as best as can and I shoulder on. I've not been one for giving up. But it's tiring. And with no one to help me along, it's draining.

All my life I have never known what I want. Now. I still don't.

~ The Long Haul ~

Noticed that I did post a post on March 7 this year.

And it's essentially the same as what I wanted to post now.

So... 3 month++, no progress. My life is a failure... a failure I tell you.
... seriously... I wasn't even trying to be sarcastic there... =.=

~ To know when it's the end ~

I've been through my share of friends. One thing that I've always been regretful of is that I never had and up till now, still don't have a best friend. If you read my blog long enough, you are probably aware of this. I will keep saying that I have friends. I have very GOOOD friends. But never a BEST friend.

Suffice to say, one thing I realized these days is that I always get this feeling that I will lose a friend. Some friends, they can argue and then they make up and they are the best of friends again the next day. For me, it's like once I open my mouth and argue with them, it's like, "that's it, I'm done, you aren't my friend anymore."

And this has probably happened a few times already. I think it is in my nature. I am probably just not at all that likable.

You see on TV or in the movies sometimes. "I'm afraid no one is going to like him/her."

I think that has happened to me already.

~ Severely ~

Severely, I guess I loved you too severely.
I don't even breath and I look around for you.
I don't know when I'll be able to stop.
Severely, I guess I loved you too severely.
I think letting you go is more severe than dying.

FT Island's newest song. Severely.



IS JUST SO BLOODY AWESOME!!! XDXDXD

~ Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) ~

Today has been a pretty trying day. It started off good, then descended into utter madness bringing me down with it.

But as Kelly Clarkson is blaring into my ears right now.

"
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
Stand a little taller;
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter!
Footsteps even lighter;
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone.
"

Not really super relevant. But at times like these, I take any inspirational song I can muster as something to pull me back from the slump.

~ Valentine's Day Quote YOU CAN USE!!! ~

... blogger's new layout is really something. Now the place you get to type text is HUGGGEEE!!!

Anyway, I was just here wanting to share something I typed on my Facebook profile.

Link here: http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10151262777475548&id=602465547

Text:
"Of course. Valentine's Day is a scourge that should be cleansed from the face of this Earth. It is an immoral day and should be banned from all civilized, uncivilized, barely civilized, hardly civilized and the almost civilized countries. It will promote promiscuity, random-acts-of-pointlessness and pointless acts of randomness..."

Feel free to quote this to your friends, your family, your loved ones, your unloved ones, your barely loved ones, your slight loved ones, your hated ones, your *gets smacked by imaginary loved one*

~ Faking it ~

I can tell you with almost 90% certainty that I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.

I wish I could put it into words and pour it out to a good friend of mine for advice. Then I realize that for one, I do not know what my problem is. And two, I have no friends that I want to talk to this about.

What is the problem? I seriously don't know. It's like there's something missing that I can't put into words. I used to think that it was something like I was lonely and a girlfriend or something would solve that. But now I'm pretty sure it's not. The fundamental fault lies within me. And having someone else involved just creates more messes than it will fix.

It's been a while since I blogged, and I have been trying to stay away from emo-ish posts like these. But it is when I am in this state that I have to resort to putting into words when my mind can't handle the jumble anymore.

~ Idols you can meet ~

So if you didn't already know, I started following this group called AKB48.

Fun fact: I can actually name quite a few of the girls... actually, not a fun a fact as I thought. I mean I'm pretty sure there are fans out there that can name them all... but anyway...

So yeah. I started following them, firstly out of curiosity, then later because it was pretty fun and they made me feel happy.

Which, when it comes down to it, isn't that all that matters? :)

So it's been about half a year since I started following them, I have since learnt quite a lot about them. About how their system works, how the performances work and most importantly how hard they worked to get to where they are today. A great article to read about was written a few days ago based on this TV program. Click HERE to read.

Which, makes me respect them all that much more and want to support them even more, to be honest.

But frankly this post is more of a my observations about the article there than anything else, so here they are, in point form, of which I work best at. :)

1. Only 7 people at the very first performance.
I think I had more people in attendance when I first learnt how to walk! This was shocking to me. Mainly because they're now loved by millions (No real data available). And that they started off with only SEVEN people in their theater, that's really something. But Aki-P's (The crazy guy behind all of this btw) words really did mean a lot then.

"Why are you girls crying? You guys still have an audience. How can you expect to perform in front of hundreds and thousands if you can’t perform in front of one? Focus on changing the people in front of you first!"

Valuable advice indeed. Who knew those words would spur them on to become the great stars they are today.

2. Listening to the fans.
This is one main reason why I kinda love the concept. The fact is they do listen to the fans. Fans come first in their concept. When you follow a Kpop act, you don't get to shake their hands the first time you meet them. This happened to me. I got to shake their hands the first time I saw them in action. That was the main point where my initial disregard changed to "Hey, this is pretty cool."

While I admit, making money is still a very big part of the entire thing. I mean, no money, no talk. That's true everywhere, just a fact of how life works today.

Maybe it's because at the time they had no fans, so they could listen to each and every one of them. Or that they were desperate to build a fanbase, which is why they reached out to those that came, who knew. But the fact is that they are sooooo much more accessible than many other artists out there that I idolized and chased after but regretfully never really met.

And I realize that it is different in Japan than it is here on this tiny island. But then it's not like I'll be going over there anytime soon (Especially now, considering). And I'm happy to be able to meet them on a regular basis that it doesn't really matter to me at this point. :)

3. First fan letter.
I like this point because it was also the one thing good that they had to hold on to. Hope & knowing someone is there for you, in any shape and form during the difficult times is never a bad thing. How I wish I was that person giving them that hope & support then. :)

4. Shinoda Mariko's inception into the group.
To be so near, and yet so far. This girl's story in itself is worthy of a mention. I'm super glad for her that she managed to get in because of two points, one: that any girl, with a little luck and a never-say-die attitude can achieve their dreams. And two: (Back to point 2) they listened to their fans.

5. Itano breaking down.
This kinda shocked me. But I have seen a few of Itano's BTS stories so far, and I get that her character is a bit happy-go-lucky and the sort that is a bit 'lazy' so to say. I want to say that's a bit like me, hence why she's my oshi (Oshi = Favorite member). But I didn't expect her to break like that. It truly did shock me that she was the one that yelled out that she wanted to quit. I am forever thankful to Aki-P for not giving up on her though. And AM also SUPER glad that she's now where she is, a perfectly super solo singer in her own right. (Oshi mah, I have to say this. =))

6. RIVER
Honestly, RIVER was never one of my favorite songs. But after this, I am looking at it differently. It does have a much deeper meaning behind it than I originally thought. And that it managed to energize the girls and spur them on just makes it all the more special. :)

7. Akimoto Yasushi
He gets his own paragraph because he is one crazy dude. But then a pretty crazy genius of a dude. Look at what he's managed to do. To make idol groups that are hundreds of girls in number into something... well... BIG. And now he's got groups all over in Japan and overseas like in Taiwan, Indonesia and potentially in a few hundred other places. He, will probably be one of the reasons why I have to declare bankruptcy one day. =.=

8. AKB48
I will admit that I only jumped on the bandwagon because I was intrigued by "someone" bringing AKB48 to me here in this country. That I think was the only reason I started following them. But with a history that strong in hardships and tears, how can you not throw in your support behind them? And you know that they won't think of you any less as a 'new fan' because you know that to them, every single fan in precious (Refer point 1).

Is this part of my crazy addiction for everything eccentric from Japan or Korea? Maybe. But for now, this very moment, I'm happy to call myself an AKB48 fan.

And for the love of god I hope Tomochin doesn't graduate anytime soon. I MEAN SERIOUSLY... XD

~ The quick post ~

Just a quick post. Some random thoughts running around in my head...

1. I wanted to make some New Year resolutions... didn't make them. Does making resolutions after the year have started still count?
2. I really wish I can take a few days off to just do nothing. Really.
3. My Japan trip for 2012 seems very unlikely to become true. But then I was thinking maybe I don't really want to go for it now in any case. Am still in two minds over this.

Another, not as pressing, but not really random thought: Not sure if I wanna go for the Sistar show if there's no autograph session. =/

Random photo:

Got these "free". Which is nice. But I don't really know where they're from. HAHA.

Oh, last thought. Watched War Horse today. It was nice. Not super awesome, but nice. Haha. May go into it in more detail later on... but we'll see. =)

All the crazy things I ran around doing in 2011 =) 8) X)

Was typing this was trying to watch the Kouhaku Utagassen 2011, but in the end I spent more time watching than typing... haha. Anyway, might as well put it up since I put so much effort into it. =3

And might as well start off the year by recapping what has been an awesome 2011.

2010 was the year I started attending events, concerts and such. 2011 was when I went mad and attended every single thing that I could manage to attend.

But 2011 was a good year. While I did spend an exorbitant amount of money on 'idols' & 'stars'. It was also a year where I got my first actual job and subsequently my first actual full time job. Started paying bills for real (Bloody study loan). And also realized that life, is pretty fun if you don't let it get you down. Also if you're chasing 'idols' and 'stars' all over this small island here. ;)

[2011-01-16] To Hebe's Autograph Session
This one was impulsive. Didn't really plan on going, but in the end went and spent like an hour or so in line to get her autograph. =3

[2011-04-10] Twin Towers Alive 2011 (Day 1)
Went mostly with the intention to see Wonder Girls.

I think this is the 3rd time I saw them. Although, I think the Azenders were amazing that night. (If I spelled that right...) Also got to see Yuna & Hoobastank, which, was kinda awesome although those crazy people held off "The Reason" for soooooo damn long...

[2011-06-05] Kpop Heal the World Concert
Main target was to see After School...

And T-ara...

Was cool to get to see After School and Orange Caramel performing. Wasn't that big a fan of T-ara, but seeing their performances was cool as well... =)

[2011-08-20+2011-08-21] Singapore Toy, Games, Comics Convention
This was also impulsive. Frankly, I didn't have any good reasons to go, I was just bored and decided, hey... why not?

ZANEEDS performed. ... I have no idea who they are. And this was the first and only concert this year where I thought: "WOW, the crowd sure is boring..." =)

And got to see some pretty cool Cosplay. Soooo... all's fun in the end.

Special mention for September. For some reason or other, I got it into my head that I was 'organizing' a Birthday Bash month for myself. Honestly, that was just words. Fact is it just happened that a lot of my favourite events happened in September. Of note is the SCANDAL fansign and the SCANDAL concert. =)


[2011-09-15] SCANDAL Fansigning @HMV 313 Somerset
Yeaaahhhh... this was superrr... XD

And I super love this picture~

[2011-09-16+2011-09-17] SCANDAL Baby Action Tour in Singapore
BEST CONCERT EVARRRR!!! I have no pictures or anything to show for it since they were soooo strict with it (Which I do still applaud)... but hey... you just gotta take my word for it. I was jumping, screaming, flailing my hands about knocking into the people on my right and left, etc. etc. This was on the second day though. First day I was more reserved, not sure why.

Also it was at this concert that I realized how awesome the song BURN is. I'll say it again, watching Rina bathed in the spotlight playing the drums... it was heavenly. She looked like an angel sent down from heaven. (Corny cliche no?)

Keep in mind my favourite member in SCANDAL is actually Tomomi though... so having me say that Rina looked absolutely like an Angel is really... something... XD

[2011-09-18] Rania First Asian Tour @Club Butterfly
Weirdest place to ever hold a fansigning EVERRRR!!! But Rania is truly and undisputably hot. Not sure what's going on with Joy, which, is unfortunate because I think she's probably one of the best known in the group.

[2011-09-29] Miss A Fansign @City Square Mall
By far the second best autographed item I got this year. Just slightly behind SCANDAL's (Because I just love SCANDAL more... XD). The point I love about this fansign was that they actually wrote my name there... which is SUPER cool from a fanboy's point of view.

[2011-09-30] Miss A Showcase
I wouldn't say this was a bad showcase, but I just wasn't that invested into it. =3Still nice to see them all perform "Breathe" (Which I originally thought was a bad song, but when you listen to it more, you realize it's a pretty ingenious song...) and Bad Girl Good Girl, which is always good...

[2011-11-11 - 2011-11-13] AFA11
What I would consider my second best event of the year! (Behind SCANDAL) And where my money goes to die. Also where my money goes, looks around and decides which artist's pockets it wants to jump into.
Got to meet Sea*A, a Malaysian/Singaporean Anisong group I would say. They were nice... got their autographs. And Wynnie, the klutz that she is smudged the autograph. =/ Which, I can now say, I got Wynnie's fingerprints. WAHAHAHAHAHA! =.=

Tanamin and Nakayan from AKB48 were there also~

And while I have no pictures of the concert (Of which, I approve their hard line stance on it), here's a picture of LiSA, the artist my money has decided to grow fond with.

[2011-11-29] MAMA 2011 @Singapore Indoor Stadium
First time I've attended an Awards Show.
Although frankly, I'm not 100% sure why I went. One of those impulsive things I told you about earlier.

But I got to see SNSD! ... a week before they came again...

... I wonder why I do this sometimes... haha... but still MAMA was fun. Not least since there were a lot of artists. I ever got to see International 'Stars" like Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Will.i.am and Apl.de.ap. Jpop star Koda Kumi and a whole lotta other Kpop artists...

And finally~

[2011-12-09+2011-12-10] SNSD Girls' Generation 2011 Tour
Had this happened like one or two years prior, I would've made this my event of the year, the one to beat, the concert that after years of waiting and waiting, fulfilled all my wildest dreams.

While it wasn't all that for me personally, it was a DAMN good show. I mean seriously. SM doesn't stinge when it comes to SNSD. The production value was literally sky high and it showed. It was by far the best produced show I've ever seen.

And yeah, it does make the 3rd spot in my listing of best shows of the year. Mainly because it was really really fun, I got to see Sunny and all the other girls and not least because it was a really really really well done show that could potentially sway any non-SNSD fan.

IF you noticed. I didn't include a group (Except a small mention in the AFA11 section) that really did take up a lot of my time.

Yes, I got into AKB48. Don't judge me. It's been a longggg year... there are pros and cons to following an idol group like AKB48. There are also liberties to forgo when you follow such a group, like, oh... I don't know... food?

There were a lot of things I learnt from AKB48, so to say. You learn for example, that it's literally impossible to support such a group. Literally. It can't be done. Unless you're a mad Japanese fan (Yes. FAN. Singular. I did not miss out an "s" there) and buy 5500 copies of their singles (True story). You have to prioritize and choose ONE member to support. Which, if you put it that way, does make it cheaper to support than Kpop. (Hey, look what I did there!)

So, in total I attended 14 of their concerts and 13 cafe events, not counting the one at AFA. In any case, some, small highlights, so to say. (Oshimen = #1 favourite member)

Shiorin!!! My oshimen in SKE48, their sister group... which I didn't mention earlier. Yeah, if you choose to, you can follow their sister groups... I would advise against it... but then I'm stuck in it... sooooo...

Rino Sasshihara. One of the media senbatsu of AKB48. I would explain, but I'm tired. Let's just leave it at she's one of the more popular ones. =)

Takahashi Minami, the leader of the entire crazy thing. It was pretty spectacular to have her in Singapore I would say. =3

Sayaka Kondo. I would say she's my oshimen in SDN48... but hard to say if she really is... haha. SDN48 was my gateway into this whole AKB mess though. I was thinking, I go see-see, see how it goes. Turns out it went... here. Sadly though, SDN48 is disbanding. Which sucks because they introduced me to this whole thing, and I may not get to see them anymore. TT.TT

Lastly the three pretty girls of NMB48. Rina Kondo, Nana Yamada and... I hope I got this right... Ayame Hikawa? I don't really have a NMB48 oshimen yet... but I'm thinking about it... =/

So... in essence I have met at least... 60 and probably more (That's a safe estimate) Japanese idols this past year. ALL from AKB/SKE/SDN/NMB. Fun right? Also another thing that is fun about this whole thing is that you do get the payoff much earlier and easier than ANY Kpop group I followed previously. The first time I went, I got to shake hands with them on the day itself... I mean... how can you get better than that? That bloody producer of this entire thing is a bloody genius. The jackass.

So, that's my 2011, if you think of it in terms of 'which concert/event did I go to?'

No real regrets in 2011. Sure, if I get out of this bubble of pretty idols and sexy chicks, my life ain't super awesome. But life only allows you so much leeway to follow something you like and something everyone else thinks should be the norm. I have gotten used to it you could say. But people still judge, and I can't really do much about that. I sometimes think it's because life hammered me down so badly that I went down this road. But on the other hand, it could be because I followed these things that led me down this path. Can't really say unless you find a multiverse and see what the me who didn't go this path is like.

But life is good nontheless. I do wanna try and fix some aspects of it, but we'll see how it goes. ;)
Some pointless awards~ =)

Best event of the year: SCANDAL's Fansigning
Best concert of the year: SCANDAL's Asia Tour 2011 "Baby Action"
Best movie of the year: Real Steel
Best song of the year: ... huh... hmm... ... AKB48's Flying Get? Haha.
Best moment of the year: Toss up between the "Shiorin waved at me" incident and all the moments at SCANDAL's fansigning. =P

Here's to a great 2012 ahead! (Already bought tickets for the first event I'm attending... HAHAHAHAHA... =.=)