~ I wish I had more of a life ~

Not to say my life now sucks technically. It's quite good actually, I can buy (almost) what I want, I can do what I want, I have a reasonable job (which I may not have in about two weeks time) and life is in general, good.

But I dunno what is missing. Actually, I think I know what is missing, but I apparently don't have the makings of a man to get that few things that are missing.

What is it about me that can make a talkative person not want to talk? Do I just have that effect on people? This is one reason why I keep pulling away from people I think. I don't want to bring down the high spirits of an occasion or what not. But I just dunno how I'm supposed to live life avoiding people.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to face people anymore. Life was simpler when I was young-er and had no semblance of thought. Which is in fact not true because I've always thought a lot. So apparently I've always been like this and just never really noticed till now.

Gawd I need help.

I most probably have typed this somewhere here before, but I do always wonder this on and off. What if I had managed to make myself believe in that group of people who believed in the entity known as God? Would I have managed to stay in touch with more people? Would that have saved/helped my problems with talking to people? Would I have found a soul-mate somewhere there? (I'm not referring to a soulmate, more like soul-mate... there's a difference there that I cannot/just-to-lazy to explain).

Could this Saviour, have actually been my saviour? Was that the point at which people say "God wants to help you, but first you have to help yourself"? Was that my one shot at getting God's help and I just spat at it and turned away?

It's times like this where I sometimes doubt my path of non-religious-ness. It's actually a religion in itself if you think about it. I zealously avoid all talk of religion and scoff when people praise the sky.

I hate feeling like this. And I've felt like this for like 5-6 years already. It's annoying, no doubt, but more than that, it's starting to hamper me. I hate it and I don't know if I will ever get out of it.

I complain a lot about it and never do anything I know. But I either dunno where to start or I just like feeling miserable. You decide.

Cause I clearly cannot.