~ Annoyed ~

Really, I'm in a constant state of confusion. I dunno if I am depressed or mad; angry or crazy; desolate or depressed. (Yes, I said depressed twice)

I know I've been trying to move on, but I never know if that is the correct choice. I keep moving on, saying this will make me feel better, this will make me forget em, but in the back of my mind, I know that I will forever be missing them, and it annoys me to no end that that is the case.

My mom has been saying that that's always the case. You move on. Out of sight, out of mind. So does that mean all the good times we had last time were a lie? Or were they just awkward times that I didn't realize were awkward? Were I always this way and I just didn't know it?

I keep flashing back to my primary school teacher's worry about me. She always did worry that I would not get along with other people. That I would be outcast and alone. I think she was right to worry. Hell, it's the one thing that worries me everyday.

Just look at the facts. I'm 24. I don't have a close friend, let alone a BEST friend. I never had a girlfriend, and the one time I actually tried to tell someone I liked her, it was so pathetic, it was just plain... sad. I don't have a person that has stuck by me thick and thin, it's always once we're done, we're done. It'll be years before we make contact again, and even then, they'll say: "Oh, you... er... what's your name ar?" I lost (At least it feels like I've lost) the few people that I thought would stick with me, even though I tried to stay in touch, it never worked, and I wonder now if we were ever that close to begin with.

And it doesn't feel like I'm doing any better at the moment. I'm trying, but you won't believe how many times I want to speak up, but I don't because... I don't know why. -.-

It doesn't feel like I have anything worth while anymore.

My mom was mad at me recently for buying loads of SNSD and Kpop stuff. But I think that's one of the things that sustained me through the past few years/months, it isn't really much, heck, I'll even admit some of it seems worthless, but it was something to look forward to and it gave me a target, a goal to aim for.

Extend that to those few events that I went to. It's the same logic.

I get why sometimes people try to commit suicide. I think I've gone past that point a few points in my own life. I think I get the point of view, but maybe I've never really hit that point where it's all too much and you just have to do it. Will I ever hit that point? It all seems almost unbearable now, and yet here I am, worthlessly typing this out and not even contemplating that for a second.

Which isn't true actually, since I'm talking about it and all, means I've considered it obviously, but it's just never really an option to me. Throughout my life, I've never really ever considered that as an option. But maybe I've just never really hit rock bottom? Who knows. I do seriously think there's more to life that that though. At the very least, I cannot do that to my family.

My family, and all its extensions, are just the most awesome family there has ever been. I realize this now and I can tell you that your friends, your girlfriend, your boyfriend are nothing compared to your family. (There are caveats of course)

I think I may need help, I've been saying this for a while, but I've had people who just said I should get out more, speak up more and (Overwhelmingly) be more confident. I've had people who just look at me and say: "You? Need help for what?" I've had people who pooh pooh'ed my worries like they were nothing.

And just saying "be more confident" is not advice. I OBVIOUSLY have a problem showing confidence. You need to tell me how. Or even better, show me how.

Just for an example, I saw this girl in the MRT today. I'm almost 100% I know her. She walked right up to me. I wanted to wave and say hi.

Guess what?

I didn't.

I just stared glumly at her while she was busily perusing her iPhone 4 (Assuming it's an iPhone 4, I mean who has an iPod Touch these days? Except me... of course). I think she saw me and I dunno if she recognized me or not, but logic or even simple manners dictate that I should've acknowledged something right? But noooo... manners are not good enough for me.

Just study that situation logically. IF I did know her, I would've met someone and my day would've turned so much brighter (Assuming everything goes well). IF I didn't know her, it was the perfect conversation starter as well, and I could've known someone new (Assuming also that everything goes well).

I mean, there's no good reason why I shouldn't have just said "HI"! I mean it's just "HI!" HI HI HI! HOW BLOODY HARD IS THAT TO SAY!?

It's just stupid. I mean I'm just stupid.

I probably shouldn't have ranted on and on for so long, but it's been a while, and I've been worrying about this for days, weeks, months, even years.

I've been told that I'm impossibly noisy when annoying when I warm up to you.

So let's hope I get to annoy more people.